I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
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This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
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I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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