My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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