What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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