What did we do last night that was yellow?
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
