we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
