I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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