dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
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