dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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