I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
