mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
