hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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