You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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