the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
