Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I have fence marks all over my body
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
