why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
