you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
