I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
