God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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