there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
