So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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