Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
