I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
