tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
