At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
