i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
