If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
