First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
