Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
