Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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