PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
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I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
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He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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