Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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