I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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