did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
you never un-have a 4some
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
