sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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