I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
