you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
