literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
