Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
