dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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