someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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