New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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