you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
