If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
