Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
