my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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