I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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