I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I cut my penus on the lid.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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