i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
