let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
