what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
