Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
