I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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