Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
