Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
