we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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