Pregnant stripper...not hot.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
