tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
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My vagina just recognized that song.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
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At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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